Sally Field – I was disappointed she was in a dress, rather than a suit of armor… or traction. And I’m proud that she walked up and down that stage knowing as we do about her brittle bones. God forbid she forgot to take her once a month Boniva pill. I was scared her spine would collapse on-stage. Clap softly, Sal… shattered arms look terrible in a sleeveless dress.

Who knew Al Gore owns a TV Station? So far he’s got an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and now he’s going for a Tony. He’s doing a musical on President Bush called The Lyin’ King.

What’s Al Gore’s speaking fee? Something tells me it’s $All You Can Eat. He’s probably wondering if his Emmy is made out of chocolate. He didn’t learn after breaking all his teeth on his Oscar!

Queen Latifah was nominated for Best Actress in Life Support. But I think her best work are her voice overs for Pizza Hut. You can really tell she believes in the product!

RACIST ALERT! They give the computer bit to the Asian guy from Heroes! Masi Oka. Of course, in his country, they’re called Broggers.

Hugh Laurie is so adorable! I find his limp so sexy. Before a man picks me up for a date, I have his knee caps broken.

Tony Bennett wins a well-deserved Emmy! This year, he left his heart AND his lung machine in San Francisco.

Joan: God love her, Elaine Stritch looks old!

Melissa: She is old.

Joan: AND NOW, FOR THE SIX PEOPLE THAT AREN’T SURE ELAINE STRITCH WAS NOT DEAD…

Melissa: Nothing like embarrassing an actress that knows how to memorize her lines than making her read a teleprompter.

Joan: Next year, she might get the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.

Inspired by OJ Simpson’s book “If I Did It”, Ryan Seacrest is releasing a book called “If I Were Gay, This Is What I Would Wear.” It’s a good thing he was wearing a Tudor outfit, cause the lady doth protest too much!

I’m confused. People in Hollywood used to come out of the closet… now they’re coming out of the Goddamned floorboards!

Ryan said his costume looked a lot less gay on the rack. Well, he looks a lot less gay on the radio!

I’m so bored with this show… It’s now officially longer than Kirstie Alley’s grocery list.

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 3: The Jersey Boys Are Why The Terrorists Hate Us

The following slideshow is full of family fun — 18-year-old actress Hayden Panettierre looks pregnant, and Marcia Cross hoisted her twins on stage in her bra.

Judging from these pictures, one would think Jeremy Piven just pulled the award out of his own ass. And Eva Longoria is truly one amazing woman: She’s only 3 feet tall, her husband’s 6 foot 8, and she doesn’t appear to have any broken teeth!

9:13

Melissa: Between the Best Drama Director, and Best Drama Writing, this is the slowest ten minutes of television ever.

Joan: This is why I’ve asked all of my terminally ill friends to watch it. It will make their lives feel three times as long.

Melissa: David Chase won - eh, I had a feeling.

Joan: Why do I think the favorite director segment was not the all-time favorite of cab drivers, farmers, and blue collar workers…?

Melissa: Marcia Cross looks great!

Joan: And she brought her twins.

Joan: Oh great… Dick Askin is back. I like his turtleneck!

Melissa: Look, more television honoring people who have done television. Imagine. Here’s an idea: While Dick Askin’s on, please turn to each other and tell a funny joke. Start with “A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist monk are in a lifeboat…”

Melissa: Kyra Segdwick, Glenn Close, and Mary Louise Parker are now honoring women.

Joan:They look like Cougar’s Angels.

Joan: Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee Casino Resort wins an Emmy! Good for them.

Joan: Question: Why are The Jersey Boys on an Emmy Show? Answer: because Frankie Valli once owned a television.

Melissa: Ooo, Jersey Boys won a Tony and did a tribute to the Sopranos…. TONY Soprano. Coincidence?

Joan: This should be Christopher’s song to Adrianna – “You’re Just Too Good Not To Shoot”. Or strangle.

Melissa: This makes you long for the days of Rob Lowe in Snow White.

Joan: Did Fox invest in Jersey Boys? Or did they think this was the Tony Awards? My God…. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the terrorists hate us. Who can blame em?

Joan: Tony and Carmela came out of a trap door – they’re being kept in hiding!!

Melissa: Only goose bump moment so far: Cast of The Sopranos ensemble taking a bow.

Joan: Of course The Sopranos got a standing ovation! Everyone is thrilled that they don’t have to compete with them anymore.

Joan: Helen Mirren and Queen Latifah were in competition. It’s like Olivier competing with Wayne Brady. And Helen Mirren wins!

Melissa: Look, she brought her purse up — she clearly saw the cast of The Sopranos up there. Smart move.

Joan: And according to nipples, she’s very excited!

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 2: The Show Must Go On And On And On

If you’re too lazy to scroll through this slideshow and see Alec Baldwin in his white tuxedo, just head over to Google Satellite Maps and look up the Shrine Auditorium. He should be visible from up there.

The only thing I have to say about the second picture is that I didn’t even know Danny Devito was nominated.

Joan: I love the show tonight. I am making all my totally ill friends tune in so their lives will feel longer. What a way to kick off the Jewish New Year… the ratings will be even lower then the year 5764.

And The Tom Snyder tribute? He’s more alive than this entire show. The brilliant staging in the round assured everyone that you could see bored, angry audience members behind the presenters at all times. Good design.

Melissa: You’re right. Props to the Emmys for their Tom Snyder tribute, that was great.

Joan: Katherine Heigl was so ladylike — she exclaimed shit when she won her Emmy. Of course, they bleeped the shit, even though we couldn’t hear her anyway. These censors aren’t taking any chances.

Melissa: Queen Latifah looks amazing, but didn’t we salute Roots last year?

Joan: If America Ferrera is the blue state, Queen Latifah is the red state. Probably Texas. And she was such a bore, going on and on and on about Roots. Book an appointment with your f*cking hairdresser and have them dyed already!

Melissa: Ed Asner is the token white guy on stage.

Joan: They all went to the Maya Angelou School of Diction Talking. Like. This.

Melissa: I can’t wait til 30 years from now when they reassemble the cast of The Starter Wife and honor them.

Joan: The Comedy Writer Nominees are the most entertaining part of the night so far… specifically Bill Maher’s.

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 1: So It Begins!

Melissa and I hit the streets of New York in search of the few celebrities who stayed in the city this weekend. You will be amazed at the stars we were able to find! Some of the world’s biggest A-Listers, and my personal heroin, Amy Winehouse.

I’m officially naming this slideshow “Red, White and Bald.”

For all of those people who complain that tv isn’t what it used to be, just scroll through the following slideshow and pretend that Elaine from Seinfeld was nominated for the 43rd time. It’ll take the edge off… barely.