For all of those people who complain that tv isn’t what it used to be, just scroll through the following slideshow and pretend that Elaine from Seinfeld was nominated for the 43rd time. It’ll take the edge off… barely.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Hollywood’s hottest hairdresser: A rabid raccoon.

While none of us have any idea what will happen when Ryan Seacrest takes the stage to host the Emmy Awards on Sunday, they have already handed out the Creative Arts Emmys this past Sunday, otherwise known as the “I Woke Up From My Nap For This?” Awards.

One of my dearest friends, Kathy Griffin, won her first Emmy for her hit Bravo reality series. Congratulations darling! Her acceptance speech took no prisoners, specifically the only Jewish Carpenter to ever exist: “A lot of people come up here and thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. This award is my god now!” Now, the Catholics have their chastity belts in a twist over it. Relax, folks… it’s not like we killed the guy!

Here are just a few others who won statues:

• Outstanding Casting: Ugly Betty. A very well deserved award. One of the ugliest casts I’ve seen in years.
• Outstanding Hairstyling: HBO’s Rome. It’s true. Do you know how much hairspray it takes to control your Caesar cut during an orgy?
• Best Music & Lyrics: Dick in a Box. And yet, no one paid attention a few years back when I released my CD single “Vagina In A Freezer”.
• Exceptional Merit in Non-fiction Film-making: When The Levees Broke. Congratulations to one of my favorite directors Spike Lee! Hey, it’s not an Oscar… but still, take what you can get.
• Best Choreography: So You Think You Can Dance? Imagine that. A show about thinking one can dance… winning a choreography Emmy. I tried out for the show, but they told me I was too professional.
• Sadly, Kanye West did not win even a single Emmy. But don’t fret Kanye… there’s always next year to not win something again!

Check in tomorrow and all week for more Emmy coverage! And don’t forget to join me and my daughter Melissa during Sunday evening’s ceremony at EmmyswithJoan.com!

(Photo credit: Charles William Bush)