Of this Emmys telecast.

The Sopranos win, and there’s no one left in the audience. Including me!

Melissa and I are going to record our final podcast with our thoughts on the entire show — we will be posting it in about an hour. In the meantime, check out my Ebay auctions for charity, and scroll down to read our liveblog, as well as see the slideshows from the red carpet and Emmy stage. Plus, all of our videos that we slaved over today. We had a great time doing this. But we’re not done yet! Check back in in about in hour’s time for a recap of the entire 9 hour long ceremony!

Read Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 6: Ooh, Ooh! It’s Almost Over!!

IN MEMORIUM: Fred Flintstone died! Holy shit! I don’t know if I can recover. And Jack Palance is dead? Finally. I could’ve sworn he’s been in these tributes for the past 5 years. I’m very depressed with this tribute… there goes my entire Christmas Card list.

The best of these In Memoriums was the year when Jessica Tandy’s died and was also nominated for an award, but ended up not winning. Of course not — you think the Academy wants to waste an award on a corpse

America Ferrara’s win is not deserved! When you’re up against Felicity Huffman… Come on… plus, We’re all here trying to figure out how many Smurfs died to make that dress.

Note to Kate Walsh: That’s what you get for hiring a straight hairdresser.

There’s so much hot air coming out of the Shrine Auditorium, the world’s temperature just went up 2 degrees. When the highlights of the evening are the musical numbers, you wish they just would have announced the winners during the f*cking Grammys.

30 Rock wins best comedy! Which means now it’s almost definitely going to be canceled. And check out Tina Fey… she looks great! For a Greek comedian.

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 5: Sally Field Gets Stooping Ovation

We’re very happy to see Kanye West participating in the yet another awards show… we can’t wait to see the backstage video of him throwing a tantrum about not winning. Sure, he wasn’t nominated, but he swears he’s never coming back to the Emmy’s again!

Jesus… You know it’s time to change the channel when one awards show is spoofing another.

For those of you who are as bored as I am with this shit, Gunfight at the OK Corral is on Turner Classic Movies. And it’s Gem Week on QVC! Not everybody likes Kanye West, but everybody likes lapis. And 31-7 Patriots.

You know, I was thinking about it: Phil Martin won Best Director. He’s British. Helen Mirren. British. Hugh Laurie. British. Bionic Woman. British. Rachel Griffiths. Australian. President Bush, for Chrissakes, close the borders!

Finally, Steve Carrell breathes some life into the Emmys!

Sally Field wins! All over America, women with osteoperosis are giving her a stooping ovation! You can bet that Edie Falco is regretting guzzling all that milk! They like me, they really like me!

Sally Field said that If Mothers ruled the world, there would be no Goddamned war. Tell that to Eleanor Roosevelt, that old dyke, and Mary Todd Lincoln, that crazy old dyke! And on the other hand, we don’t know what she said, Fox cut her off. Maybe she said “If Mothers ruled the world, they’d send their kids to more whorehouses!”

Apparently, she’s not just satisfied with the Boniva endorsement… now she’s angling for dementia medication. After tonight’s behavior, I’m realizing she wasn’t acting in Sybil. It makes you wonder which part she played on Smoky and the Bandit. In fact, please answer this two-part question –

What do you guys think Sally Field said? And what medication do you think she forgot to take today?

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 4: The Emmys Now Longer Than Kirstie Alley’s Grocery List

Sally Field – I was disappointed she was in a dress, rather than a suit of armor… or traction. And I’m proud that she walked up and down that stage knowing as we do about her brittle bones. God forbid she forgot to take her once a month Boniva pill. I was scared her spine would collapse on-stage. Clap softly, Sal… shattered arms look terrible in a sleeveless dress.

Who knew Al Gore owns a TV Station? So far he’s got an Oscar, an Emmy, a Grammy, and now he’s going for a Tony. He’s doing a musical on President Bush called The Lyin’ King.

What’s Al Gore’s speaking fee? Something tells me it’s $All You Can Eat. He’s probably wondering if his Emmy is made out of chocolate. He didn’t learn after breaking all his teeth on his Oscar!

Queen Latifah was nominated for Best Actress in Life Support. But I think her best work are her voice overs for Pizza Hut. You can really tell she believes in the product!

RACIST ALERT! They give the computer bit to the Asian guy from Heroes! Masi Oka. Of course, in his country, they’re called Broggers.

Hugh Laurie is so adorable! I find his limp so sexy. Before a man picks me up for a date, I have his knee caps broken.

Tony Bennett wins a well-deserved Emmy! This year, he left his heart AND his lung machine in San Francisco.

Joan: God love her, Elaine Stritch looks old!

Melissa: She is old.

Joan: AND NOW, FOR THE SIX PEOPLE THAT AREN’T SURE ELAINE STRITCH WAS NOT DEAD…

Melissa: Nothing like embarrassing an actress that knows how to memorize her lines than making her read a teleprompter.

Joan: Next year, she might get the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.

Inspired by OJ Simpson’s book “If I Did It”, Ryan Seacrest is releasing a book called “If I Were Gay, This Is What I Would Wear.” It’s a good thing he was wearing a Tudor outfit, cause the lady doth protest too much!

I’m confused. People in Hollywood used to come out of the closet… now they’re coming out of the Goddamned floorboards!

Ryan said his costume looked a lot less gay on the rack. Well, he looks a lot less gay on the radio!

I’m so bored with this show… It’s now officially longer than Kirstie Alley’s grocery list.

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 3: The Jersey Boys Are Why The Terrorists Hate Us

9:13

Melissa: Between the Best Drama Director, and Best Drama Writing, this is the slowest ten minutes of television ever.

Joan: This is why I’ve asked all of my terminally ill friends to watch it. It will make their lives feel three times as long.

Melissa: David Chase won - eh, I had a feeling.

Joan: Why do I think the favorite director segment was not the all-time favorite of cab drivers, farmers, and blue collar workers…?

Melissa: Marcia Cross looks great!

Joan: And she brought her twins.

Joan: Oh great… Dick Askin is back. I like his turtleneck!

Melissa: Look, more television honoring people who have done television. Imagine. Here’s an idea: While Dick Askin’s on, please turn to each other and tell a funny joke. Start with “A rabbi, a priest and a buddhist monk are in a lifeboat…”

Melissa: Kyra Segdwick, Glenn Close, and Mary Louise Parker are now honoring women.

Joan:They look like Cougar’s Angels.

Joan: Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee Casino Resort wins an Emmy! Good for them.

Joan: Question: Why are The Jersey Boys on an Emmy Show? Answer: because Frankie Valli once owned a television.

Melissa: Ooo, Jersey Boys won a Tony and did a tribute to the Sopranos…. TONY Soprano. Coincidence?

Joan: This should be Christopher’s song to Adrianna – “You’re Just Too Good Not To Shoot”. Or strangle.

Melissa: This makes you long for the days of Rob Lowe in Snow White.

Joan: Did Fox invest in Jersey Boys? Or did they think this was the Tony Awards? My God…. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why the terrorists hate us. Who can blame em?

Joan: Tony and Carmela came out of a trap door – they’re being kept in hiding!!

Melissa: Only goose bump moment so far: Cast of The Sopranos ensemble taking a bow.

Joan: Of course The Sopranos got a standing ovation! Everyone is thrilled that they don’t have to compete with them anymore.

Joan: Helen Mirren and Queen Latifah were in competition. It’s like Olivier competing with Wayne Brady. And Helen Mirren wins!

Melissa: Look, she brought her purse up — she clearly saw the cast of The Sopranos up there. Smart move.

Joan: And according to nipples, she’s very excited!

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 2: The Show Must Go On And On And On

Joan: I love the show tonight. I am making all my totally ill friends tune in so their lives will feel longer. What a way to kick off the Jewish New Year… the ratings will be even lower then the year 5764.

And The Tom Snyder tribute? He’s more alive than this entire show. The brilliant staging in the round assured everyone that you could see bored, angry audience members behind the presenters at all times. Good design.

Melissa: You’re right. Props to the Emmys for their Tom Snyder tribute, that was great.

Joan: Katherine Heigl was so ladylike — she exclaimed shit when she won her Emmy. Of course, they bleeped the shit, even though we couldn’t hear her anyway. These censors aren’t taking any chances.

Melissa: Queen Latifah looks amazing, but didn’t we salute Roots last year?

Joan: If America Ferrera is the blue state, Queen Latifah is the red state. Probably Texas. And she was such a bore, going on and on and on about Roots. Book an appointment with your f*cking hairdresser and have them dyed already!

Melissa: Ed Asner is the token white guy on stage.

Joan: They all went to the Maya Angelou School of Diction Talking. Like. This.

Melissa: I can’t wait til 30 years from now when they reassemble the cast of The Starter Wife and honor them.

Joan: The Comedy Writer Nominees are the most entertaining part of the night so far… specifically Bill Maher’s.

Continue Reading Joan Liveblogs the Emmys, Part 1: So It Begins!

Isaiah Washington is not there… a sedative dart hit him on his way in. They kicked the show off with an animated musical number. My favorite part was when they cut away to T.R. Knight after the Isaiah Washington joke… he looked terrified.

For the first time the Emmys are being done in the round, mainly to accommodate America Ferrera’s ass.

Ryan Seacrest is hosting the Emmys, the E! Red Carpet, American Idol, a Radio Show, and yet, he still makes times for monthly visits to the Minneapolis airport’s mens room. Speaking of which, do you know why Senator Larry Craig originally moved to Iowa? Boise!

Now you might have heard that the on-air hosts for 2 hours have to discretely relieve themselves off camera in bottles. What you didn’t know is, after the show all those bottles are collected and sold to Corey Feldman.

After seeing the opening, Ryan Seacrest’s monologue took 14 writers… 3 hung themselves, 2 set themselves on fire, 1 jumped from the fourth floor window, 3 choked each other, and 4 left the business –- not voluntarily.

They’re claiming Emmys are the greenest show ever, and that Ryan Seacrest is the greenest host ever.

Melissa: And for everybody who made fun of us saying “Who are you wearing?”, Ryan just opened the show with it.

Joan: Ray Romano, very good doing his stand-up act. It’s almost the same set that I saw at Caroline’s a few months ago… but he managed to add a few more jokes and about 20 more minutes.

The duet between Christina Aguilera and Tony Bennett was wonderful… if you wanted to slow the pace of the show down.

Alec Baldwin wore a white dinner jacket, post-Labor day! Wrong, wrong, wrong…. but I understand the jacket, the guy loves dinner! He told Melissa he couldn’t wear his black one, as Kim had cut it into little pieces and burnt it.

Jamie Pressly was so emotional when she won. It’s just an Emmy for Chrissakes! She acted like the Sunnis and Shiites had stopped fighting.

My favorite category, Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series, no one in America thought Thomas Hayden Church in Broken Road. When did that air? His mother must be a member of the academy.

Biggest disappointment since my wedding night? Michael Imperioli not winning. The reason? His wife isn’t big enough. Looks like Terry O’Quinn already has a giant golden statue. Here’s one thing that will never be Lost… Terry O’Quinn’s wife!

Melissa: We learned more about Terry O’Quinn in the last 30 seconds than on how many seasons of Lost? Pink shirt, sparkly tie, and his wife.

Continue Reading Joan’s Liveblog From the Red Carpet, 7:40-8:00